10.01.09

Job posting for the next head coach of the Washington Redskins

Posted in Redskins at 5:09 pm by The Layman

Jim Zorn precariously occupies the head coach position for the Redskins.  If Dan Snyder were to fire Zorn and post a help wanted ad, I imagine it would look something like this.

The following represents, of course, a parody.  Because we know when it comes to matters pertaining to the Redskins under Snyder’s ownership, the truth is often stranger than fiction.

HEAD COACH, WASHINGTON REDSKINS (Immediate Availability)

OVERVIEW

Leap straight to the top.  Amaze yourself.  Join a small, elite fraternity of only 31 other NFL head coaches.  Earn more than you have ever imagined in your wildest dreams.

The Washington Redskins.  One of the most valuable sports franchises in the world.  A rich tradition of winning.  An ownership group which spares no expense in the relentless pursuit of excellence.  A front office at the vanguard of scouting, player personnel, and salary cap management.  A rabid, loyal fan base which blindly supports the team through thick and thin and would never boo the home team at FedEx Field.

As Head Coach, you will report directly to the majority owner of the franchise, Daniel M. Snyder.  Do you have what it takes to lead the Redskins to victory under the watchful eye and guiding hand of Mr. Snyder?

JOB DESCRIPTION

Be able to recite the correct team colors in public.

Provide leadership and development of the coaching staff, many members of which, to include the Offensive and Defensive Coordinators, may already be hired by Mr. Snyder.

Provide leadership and instruction on the athletic and personal development of NFL football players of questionable skill levels.  Tailor coaching philosophy and game plans to the strengths of existing players on the roster.

Effectively integrate newly-signed, overpaid free-agent football players on the downside of their careers with the remaining team members not yet eligible for free-agency.

Be able to recite the correct team colors in public.

Meet with Mr. Snyder on a regular and frequent basis to provide updates on the team’s progress and preparation for the upcoming game, to include a full briefing on the game plan.  Contribute to the football education of Mr. Snyder by explaining football terminology and strategies as needed.

Effectively respond to questions from media members, including cantankerous former Hall of Fame players on the flagship radio broadcast team.

Interact with the only two or three favored former players who are allowed around Redskins Park to build on the legacy of this great winning organization.

Be able to recite the correct team colors in public.

MINIMUM QUALIFICATIONS

2 years experience as an offensive or defensive coordinator for an NFL team with a winning record.

DESIRED QUALIFICATIONS

Consistently mentioned as potential head coach material by nationally-recognized football analysts and commentators.  Minimum qualification requirements may be waived if the candidate has received significant buzz as a hot head coaching prospect.

Able to obtain the approval of the majority of posters on fan message boards.

INTERVIEW PROCESS

Suitable candidates identified by Mr. Snyder and the front office will be contacted for interviews.  Before beginning the process, candidates must first sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement.

Candidates will be picked up as surreptitiously as possible at the nearest airport to their home by the team’s private jet, Redskins One.  Once onboard, the candidate will be served a delicious, nutritious meal consisting of selections from the full Johnny Rockets menu.  Due to FAA regulations, the flight attendant will not be allowed to sing and dance to selected musical highlights from the Johnny Rockets playlist.  Candidates are encouraged to visit a Johnny Rockets restaurant as many times as possible after their interviews to experience the full Johnny Rockets dining experience.

After landing at Washington Dulles International Airport, the candidate will be whisked to the Potomac, MD home of Mr. Snyder.  The candidate will stay overnight in the plush accommodations of the guest house on the grounds of the Snyder family’s estate, which offers sweeping, unrestricted views of the historic C&O Canal and Potomac River.  For the candidate’s entertainment and relaxation, the guest house is fully stocked with a complete Blu-Ray DVD collection of movies starring Tom Cruise, one of the most talented and bankable actors in Hollywood history.  In the case of a power failure, backup generators will ensure the grounds remain completely lit and powered so that the candidate may continue to enjoy uninterrupted entertainment.

For the candidate’s comfort and as a valuable souvenir, the candidate will be provided with a set of genuine Redskins pajamas.  Depending upon availability, the pajamas may come with white tops and burgundy pants, or the ever-popular white tops and white pants.  Candidates will also have a choice of pajamas with or without matching burgundy booties.  Candidates are welcome to take the pajamas home with them.  All towels and linens, however, must remain at the guest house.

Throughout the night, the candidate will be interviewed at the guest house by Mr. Snyder and Vinny Cerrato, the Executive Vice President of Football Operations.  Candidates are reminded to always refer to the owner as “Mr. Snyder.”  Messrs. Snyder and Cerrato will probe in-depth the candidate’s football background, knowledge and philosophy guided by the 30-page questionnaire for which the candidate is expected to have answers prepared in advance.

The following day, the candidate will be given a tour of the team headquarters and practice facility at Redskins Park in Ashburn, VA.  The tour may include a game of racquetball with Mr. Cerrato, subject to the EVP of Football Operations’ broadcast radio commitments.

The interview may also include a visit to FedEx Field, but only if the media has not yet discovered that the candidate is in town for interviews.  The candidate will be flown to FedEx Field on the team’s helicopter, avoiding the inconvenience of the gridlock traffic which fans have to endure on a typical game day.  Thus, the candidate will be able to focus his full attention on seeing firsthand how Mr. Snyder has extracted every possible penny of revenue from the stadium via expanded seating, concessions, and ticket and parking fees.

At the conclusion of the interview, the candidate will be flown home on Redskins One, with a farewell Johnny Rockets meal served in-flight.

thelayman@thelaymansperch.com

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